angelsonfire (angelsonfire) wrote in suicidalxwh0re,

~*Warning: The following contains thoughts that cutting is good. The following also contains much ranting. May be triggering to some. You have been warned*~

I think i've stopped cutting for good. I'm purging more. But i havn't cut in like almost 2 months. Its suprising i even shocked myself. I heard something on tv last night that kinda upset me. I was watching this show degrassi, and a character, ellie, cuts herself, she said last night on the show that "I used to cut myself. What's funny is that i always will be a cutter. No matter how many years i don't cut, i always will be. Regardless of my own mental state, or what i want to be, i will always be a cutter". It really hit me. This statement is so true. If you really think about it, no matter how well we all get or how long we go without cutting, we will always be deemed as cutters. Or at least thats how i see it. Maybe im wrong. I dunno. But yeah i am very happy with myself for not cutting in almost 2 months. But then again, i have the purging to work on. But i'll work on it. I am trying to at least. Just like im trying to stay away from cutting. I'm 16 i've been cutting since i was like 9 or 10, I've been bulimic off and on since i was 11, and now, i dunno it might be my friends it might be me, but i don't see cutting ass necessary anymore. I'm happy for that, but i also kinda miss it. Is that weird? Missing something you absolutly despised for so long. I miss the feeling i get when i do it. The feeling of release. I mean i wanna stop cutting, but at times i just could care less. I like the rush i get, the high. I don't wanna let cutting go. I want it to be there as like a back up plan for when nothing else works i guess. I hate that i cut myself i do, but at times im like, wow cutting is great, it releases my stress and it gets rid of my pain all at the same time. To me sometimes cutting is a good thing. A great thing at times. I dunno i am really weird. I'm starting to confuse myself. Maybe i should stop thinking. Thanks for reading my rambling. Sorry.
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