well since my last entry i've lost all of my older friends and i'm not welcome to work b/c they want nothing to do with me. i don't know what to do?! i'm at my grandparents and i want to cut b/c it just kicked in that i've lost all of my good friends. AGHHHH!
well for those of you that didn't get a chance to read my last entry....i was ranting about how hypocritical some of my (ex) friends was/were and now they want nothing to do with me. and after all i've done to help them all they are going to repay me by putting me into another cutting frenzy?!
im 20 days clean and i don't want to be clean anymore!!!!! fuck 20 days i have a knife in my room that my grandpa gave to me and i think i'm going to use it!!! actually i don't know what i'm going to do. i'm just so fucking sick and tired of this thing they call life. this is like the third friendship I'VE ruined! i always do something wrong. i can never be right. i'm always wrong. i get that now but why does everyone have to hate me?! i helped them so much and over a stupid rant that EVERYBODY knows is what i do and it's not ment to be taken seriously they are going to shun me for the rest of my life!? god i don't understand this world anymore. they say that there is a million good ppl in this world well i guess i just pick the winners now don't i!? all of my really good friends (besides one) have gotten mad at me and left me in the dust over stupid little shit! well it's not like anyone of my friends in dublin really cares about me (besides one....thanx darlin).
and now one of my closest friends is going to move down to fresno with her 18 year old bf and she's only 16! i don't want her to go that far away and plus i don't really want police knocking at my door wondering if i've seen her. she promised she'd come see me before she left but what if i'm not home? what if i'm still up here in chico when she comes knocking on my dublin door?
god i don't know what to do anymore. should i give in and cut or should i just try to go the extra 80 days i need to make it to 100? agh.....i'm so lost right now. i'm a lost puppet in a puppetiers closet!!!
i'm wide awake and it's 430! i've been up for like 2 hours now. i think i'm done and i'm going to go play with my knife....i'll let you all kno if i'm clean or not later today.
thank you all for always being there for me even when others aren't.