Hannah (incnt_lil_girl) wrote in suicidalxwh0re,
Hannah
incnt_lil_girl
suicidalxwh0re

Vent

I hate my little sister. She is such a bitch. She gets everything she wants. I mean, seriously, I'm the older sister. What's up with that? She thinks she is G-d and should be treated as such. She doesn't care about anyone but herself and expects everyone to do things for her. She doesn't care about my feelings or anyone else's feelings. She never helps around the house and she is the most selfish, self-centered, concieted person I know. She never helps me. She calls me names 24/7 and tells me that I have no friends and that I am stupid. I don't understand why she is so mean. I feel responsible in a way because I kind of helped raise her. Ya know, older sisters are role models for their younger sisters. I feel that I must not have taught her that other people matter and that all people should be treated fairly. I don't understand why she is so mean. My parents let her do whatever she wants. I'm 16, and she's 14, but she has a lock on her door, a tv in her room and a computer with internet in her room. I have none of those. I don't even have internet on my computer which is in the same room with my parent's computer. She has friends sleep over every night and she watches tv until all hours of the morning. She's always on her computer and I never get to go on the computer. And I deal, but no one really cares. My dad figures that since I'm dealing well without having a computer that obviously I don't need a computer. And if I bitch about not having a computer I just get it taken away for longer. I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. My parents moved my sister into a bigger room and gave her the computer that my sister and I shared. My parents promised me that it wasn't a punishment for me and that I would get my own computer and would have internet on it. This was all 7 months ago. My computer has so much of my dad's music collection on it that it will hardly function and it makes using iTunes on it a pain in the ass. My dad makes half ass 'attempts' to fix it, but gives up and doesn't really care. I have to ask to use my parents computer and since my parents are both journalists, I rarely am able to use it. It just really bugs me that my sister is treated so much better than I feel that I am. I mean, I understand that I can be a bitch sometime, but I've really improved over the last year. I've stopped hurting myself for the most part, apart from the occasional bruising. I feel like I don't really have much to be happy about in life. I've been working all week, and I worked all summer and my sister does nothing. I work hard in school and try my best and my sister doesn't. I go to a private school and my dad is always threatening that he'll put me in public school if I don't do well enough. I got all A's and B's last year, so I don't know what he really wants me to get this year. I made some really nice friends. I met the guys online. One of them like four years ago, and the other two probably six months ago. They are all really nice and we started talking on the phone. My parents found out and took my phone away. Now, they won't let me talk to them. It's really unfair. I wasn't doing anything sexual with them and I just really enjoyed talking to them. They helped calm me down and make me feel happy. Now, I don't have them anymore. My dad is abusive. Mostly verbal, sometimes physical. I'm alwlays the one that stands up for my mom, sister and dog. My sister has probably stood up for me 5 times in the last 14 years. My mom tries to stand up for me sometimes but she is afraid of my dad. She is afraid of losing him. He has been unemployed for five years now. My mom just doesn't want to give up on him. He makes me feel like shit and treats me like shit. School is okay for the most part, I don't have too many friends though and I'm pretty shy and self conscience. I wear a sweat shirt to school everyday. I used to be pretty skinny, I was even kind of anorexic for a while but when I gave up cutting and stuff, I started eating. Now, I'm fat and ugly. I'm afraid to weigh myself. I probably weigh about 180 lbs now, I'm 5'2". I feel so gross. I wish I could go back in time. I'm very uncomfortable with myself, physically, mentally and emotionally. I live life as best as I can though. I'm going to go to bed now because family friends are arriving tomorrow.

If anyone actually read even part of this. Thank you. I hope I haven't depressed you. If you have any comments, support, or advice, please leave me a comment. Good night and stay safe.
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